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[Nov. 17th, 2009|09:54 am] |
Love may be manmade
But it must exist
It's what you want the most
And most resist
Love's polluted
No, no it's pure
It's convoluted
One thing I could say for sure
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
It's a game of fetch
We'll never win
You throw me out
It brings us back
You throw me out again
Loves an affliction
No it's a cure
It's a contradiction that harms and heals
Adores and abhors
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
Love is a tantrum
Love is an interlude
Love is an instinct
Not now dear, I'm not in the mood anymore
No no no no no
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
It's no big deal
It's not worth losing sleep
You over analyze
The simplest things
Loves what you take
But can never give
Loves what you hate
You'll never figure out what it's for
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
(*could)
my fault. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|12:13 am] |
uld say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I have said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Because boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that it's too late
And now there's nothing I can do
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Because boys don't cry
I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away
Misjudged your limit
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more
Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Because boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|01:07 am] |
12:51 is an awful time to wake up, its more like I should be going to sleep.
I feel like I have the intent to print all of this out one day, and I don't know,maybe that one day is fast approaching. It's friday morning, which rivals monday for worst day of the week. Not that I'm particularly worried about what day of the week it is.
dear silly internet diary, things are an awful mess! I don't think Im going t o the dance, and the other kids might throw rocks at me :( whats a girl to do?
I think a girl is going to take another sleepy pill. I had a dream and I remember reading in it the other night. I want to write it down so I remembver. Dr Mary Baker was in it. We were all looking at solar systems and she wanted to find onre called, um, "boori" or "bushnie" I remember saying "well, here's kikini, right next to boori"
The shapes of the land masses (in the dream they weren't planets anymore, but these weird continents) Its funny, the names that I assigned in my dream to these places, Boori and kikini, the shapes of each land mass were in perfect sync to what constitutes synethesia. Basically, boori, when you sound it out is a "round" sound (youll picture a blobbly circle is you picture an image to the sounds.) kikini was a triabngle, jagged land mass. It was an interesting dream.
we were discussing that it was only appropriate to visit these locales if it was a "long term investment" that struck me as odd.
The real kicker, in dreamland, was the next dream I had. Ever since I was very young, I've had terrible dreams about water. There are several types. The first being, water and bridges. These are the earliest. My mother cannot swim, and we are in a car, and we drive off a bridge itno water. soemtimes a high bridge, sometimes the bridge is water level and we slide in. Regardless, the panic is the same and the dream stops when car hits water.
Second type, large tsunamis, big, sweeping tsunamis while Im alone on a beach.
Thirds, the most common,are scenarios where Im with a group of people, always my younger brother is present. the waves at the beach start small, and I slowly get concerned as the waves get really, really unreasonably high, and they seem to sort of slow down, so I can really experience this panic. People around me either notice, and flee leaving me with these incessant, really high, sudden waves. Or, they stay and have fun, while I am panicking.
I had one just the other night. I was in a wave pool, and the waves were intentionally increased to be high and sudden.
Now, Im not one to really read into these sort of things, but I can truthfully say that scary, giant waves and water have been a consistent theme in my dream since I was four years old. They always leave me unsettled for a few days. I really dont like them..
I've been avoiding sleep ;lately. Like, right now, I woek up, and Im scared to go back to sleep because of these sort of dreams.
I have doused myself in lavander and have taken appropriate chemicals to induce sleep.
life is hard, lately. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2009|01:36 am] |
Can't sleep now. I could earlier, I might later, right this second, not working out so much.
Its funny livejournal, you're my favorite place when I should be doing other things. LIke reading one of eight hundred and thirty seven million articles for exam tomorrow. Fucking rough.
Stuff and Things, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Swear to (g)od.
I always start writing an entry, and stop. Always.
I could probably write about horrible experiences in the car. Those happen a lot, you know. I've been reading Kathy Griffin's autobiography. Bad combination, I've convinced myself I could absolutely be a stand up comedienne. I was heavily supported by several drunk friends who find me hilarious, by the way.
This could also be a delusion. But, so long as Im aware things could in fact be delusions, Im okay. It's that second where Im truly unaware I have to watch out for. But I can't possibly watch out for those moments when Im unaware because I would be aware that Im not aware. I suspect, and I could be wrong, but this is where thousands of dollars have gone.
I am going to make a lorazacocoa (keep an eye out,or be AWARE of, har har of a coming patent!!!) and get my ass to bed, curled up in a nest of german court cases that make as much sense as potato chips dipped in paint. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2009|08:26 am] |
It is awful to have my sleep schedule. I use schedule loosely. Curse of me, I guess.
So! I've been awake since about 5am, and have sat here and organized my computer. (organizing about a million papers into appropriate folders, etc.) Then, sat and reread some journal entries. I've come to several conclusions about myself this morning, and I am choosing to list them, because you will read them and like them. It is how it works.
a.) I have terrible luck leaving my apartment in a car. I always forget this. Case in point, the other day an older lady was leaving, and blocked the drive out because she was talking to someone out for a walk. I felt beeping would be rude, so I few halfhearted "ma'm....um..please? maaa'm?" Then I beeped, and she waved?! I ended up just sitting there for five minutes.
b.) I spend a great deal of money. Those rain boots came in handy.
c.) I do things "tomorrow" and until this somehow doesn't work out for me anymore, it always will. (the end of semester entries, with several papers due that have not been written, and the spastic entries about these papers.) You can always tell when i have schoolwork, because I am on here. For the record, I don't have any schoolwork today.
d.) I avoid writing anything overly personal, and was shocked that I mentioned my mom's Alzheimer's. This is dealt with through humor. I usually accuse her of being drunk. I'm not even sure I mentioned breaking up with eric. I was probably writing about curtains or a car accident or something.
e.) I'm going to go lay on the couch and watch frasier now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|11:10 am] |
be my facebook pal, I started using it again. seriously it'd be great. (Tiffany sebzda)
I'm excited, its my birthday today :D However, the shoes i bought yesterday for the occasion won't be able to hold up to today's weather, I'm upset.
time to get dressed :) |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2009|01:46 pm] |
I am trying to motivate myself to move, but I'm not having much luck. After what happened last time, I am on the fast track to agoraphobia, ha.
I am looking into another volunteering position, along with the cat shelter I help out at. I refuse to get another job, the idea of having two jobs would make me feel somehow poor, and I wouldn't deserve it anyway since so many other people need jobs. I don't know. I love my job right now, but without school I'm hardly busy at all.
I take a lot of naps.
I'm also realizing what a horrible idea it was to record and watch the alzheimer's special that aired on HBO. My mom suffers from a yet undetermined form of dementia, but it slowly is looking to be early-onset alzheimers, which is the rarer form of the disease.
I'm pretty certain that laying on the couch sobbing is going to do very little for my complexion, I might go shopping for some curtains. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2009|01:25 pm] |
update:
So I think "huh, I should get out of the apartment today"
Go get some coffee, and run some errands. Have been hoarding checks (not purposefully) two tax refunds, a couple paychecks, decide its time to deposit them. Ignore look on the face of the worker who looked about my age. Jesus, leave me alone.
Decide that if I intend to clean, I should get some energy drinks to go with the coffee I've had. OH! I'll pick up my medicine as well (assorted zoloft, lithium, geodon, ritalin)
SO I pull out of the pharmacy parking lot, incredibly proud of all the Task I've Accomplished, and I get behind another car about to make a right turn. He's one of those assholes that kind of sits in the lane until someone lets him across.
well, an ambulance is coming!!! Hooray! Aforementioned assclown BACKS INTO MY CAR AND KEEPS BACKING UP. My car scoots back a little bit. It's like he didn't notice he hit me.
I beep, to let him know I'm clearly upset, and point at him, and to a spot in the road outside of his car.
I say "Get out of your car, now" (young man!)
A 250 pound man complies with my request. I am fuming. I am buying another car you know, and I swear to god if there was even a smudgie on my car I'd rip his throat out.
This is pretty exact as to what came out of my mouth:
"Way to not even notice you hit me!!! you REALLY were intent on backing up huh?! Do you even KNOW what kind of day I'm having so far? What the fuck is your problem, did you even SEE ME behind you? Did you not feel any RESISTENCE AS YOU CONTINUED BACKING UP BECAUSE THAT WAS MY CAR."
I make a mental note to lower my voice, to a stern scolding tone. Doesn't he have any idea what kind of medicine I had just picked up?
He is apologizing profusely at this point, and I'm glaring at him and he is looking at the front of my car. He hurt my license plate!It is now "crinkly" looking. He had a black car as well so there was no noticeable scuff damage. It was more irritating then anything else. I came home and curled up in bed with elle and the kitties and now I'm going to organize my closet.
thats all.
edit: rereading this I forgot the best part. In an attempt to not seem rude (I'd really hate that) before he pulled away I touched his arm and said:
"I'm really very sorry for yelling at you, I mean, you know how it is right? It's one of those days, lets just let this go alright? Forgive me?"
One of the best parts about being me is that I feel like one of those timed air fresheners that changes their scent every half hour. My mood changes, just like that. From "kill!" to "oh, sorry!"
my god. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2009|10:10 am] |
Things get kind of "off" when I am out of school and don't have to work so much because its slow. When left to my own devices things become more problematic, I sleep too much and then wake up too much and buy too much. Everything gets to be a little too much.
Today is day 1. So far so good.
Thanks Billy joel, for these magical words,
"all you need are looks and whole lotta money..." |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2009|11:00 am] |
hahahahhaha, I've just gone and looked back at my journal. March 26th, I think I meant I was putting of homework (who the hell knows I was procrastinating about that day)
April, get a new xbox360 (possibly deterring me from schoolwork)
next few entries discuss various stages of panic.
go me! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2009|10:48 am] |
Turned in the last of my papers last night, at around 8pm. Spend the 16 previous hours on it because I'm a fabulously hard working student, who, despite months of knowing about several papers, really feels the need to write them all the week before. Fairly confident they are A's, but I could have done without the stress.
I'll never learn ever ever ever.
ll I've got is my Roman history final next monday.
time to clean my apartment :( I always make such a mess when I'm doing schoolwork, I leave little nests of note cards and books everywhere. Then to my parents to give Kevin his present then alllllllll the way north to work. Literally driving the entire state of rhode island,in about 45-50 minutes. (at obscene speeds duhhh) |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2009|12:48 am] |
its almost 1am and I need to invest in a better computer chair. brains hurts. have worked on paper all day. sort of.
I shouldn't have my desk anywhere near my bed. it's cold in my apartment, I turned the ac on because I an't handle it when it gets warm. It was unseasonably warm (hot?) last week and I can't sleep or do any work unless it's 65 degrees.
bed looks cozy and warm. oh hey sorry passive voice. least of my concerns when I cant form a sentence. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2009|03:01 pm] |
I came home and there was a little note on my door, letting me know I had a package at the main building of my apartment complex.
For the life of me I cannot remember if I've ordered anything lately. I wouldn't put it past me to have purchased something and forgotten about it. I really hope that isn't the case. Lord knows what it is.
I will ignore it, I think.
Took caligula out on the back porch to show her where the swan and goose each have their nests. They've been gaurding them a while. The pond where they live is behind my building, and they march around the community very loudly and I'm excited to see the little babies :)
livejournal is a tool for me to write when I don't feel like writing things that actually need to be done. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|11:52 am] |
my goodness I cut things very close. I'm an awful scholar.
this thing is a BEAST |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|09:48 am] |
this is when you separate the men from the boys. zero hour.
sorting through the last of my notes, Tacitus, Pliny the Younger, and Cassius Dio to finish this paper. Roman law as a singular access for women to grasp and manipulate and social rights was a ridiculous undertaking. Way to go tif.
it's due at 3pm. I never get nervous about getting things done, but the act of printing out the FINAL copy of something gets me nervous.
I should have majored in communications or something. It seems easy because all the girls with vera bradley bags and ed hardy tshirts and flip flops go into those buildings.
or "fine arts"
fhgjdfhghdfgbfkjhjkfghnfgkjhnfg |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2009|07:10 pm] |
Although there are maybe two weeks left of the semester, I haven't yet been hit with the "oh my god I haven't gotten anything done at all what have I been DOING" panic.
Instead I've been playing mass effect and cleaning a whole lot? haha? It's been a week since my last entry I think.
Every commute home from work I've checked to make sure there weren't any dead kitties on the side of the road.
Thursday night I had my high beams on, accidentally, and someone got upset and flashed me. I felt really awful, and wasn't sure how to explain while driving 80 mph that I was looking for a squished cat. I decided a note might be best. I grabbed a notebook and destroyed $22 lipstick writing "Sorry!!!!" and holding it up to them while driving by.
Also, I've made vocal my intentions on purchasing a new volvo. EXCEPT that I finally sat and watched twilight (shut up i ordered it on cable) and what the hell, main character fangface drives the car I want to get. I don't want it because of that movie. I want it because the economy is tanking and I'll feel better.
In any case, haha I feel inspired finally to play some streetfighter. I picked up a used copy of doa too hha. Did the movie ever actually come out? Did I make that up in my head?
p.s.: big brotherrrr I call you and you don't answer because you're too cool and only hang out with your girlfriend so whateverr. But I'm heading by tuesday I think. In case you or the missus see this.
it's 7 o'clock so I'm going to go make a drink and watch frasier on tivo until I fall asleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2009|01:03 pm] |
Finally picked up another xbox360. The one eric and I had bought ON LAUNCH DAY FIRST IN LINE another lifetime ago had died the blinking red ring death.
For sentimental purposes(it happens) I decided against sending it in to be refurbished (What if they didnt send the same one back?!) So I just bought the 200$ one and popped the hard drive off the old one onto the new one.
However, fucked shit up with oblivion. I still have to use eric's profile AND shivering isles isn't loading up properly (or at all)
This is some almighty bullshit and I haven't touched the thing since that night. It is irritating me more than anything at this point.
THEN I go my phone wet and the keys are being ridiculous and the same damn night calli (caligula) ate some dental floss and threw it up and I panicked and was upset that she got into the trash.
to make matter worse, the next day I drive home from work, in the left lane of the highway, and sitting in the median is a black cat with kittens. My phone wouldnt work so I cried and hyperventilated all the way home until I could call the state police. THEN on my exit off the highway some ASSCLOWn hit THREE CUTE GEESE and he had stopped because one was still flapping.
I call the mass state police, crying and have them PROMISE that they'll go check on the kitties. They assured me, and promised they would. Still felt awful about the geese. Considered going back and scolding the man, but I had to rush home to try and save the kitties first.
drank and cuddlked cats until I fell asleep. Now I'm going to go learn stuff about things and go give goods and services in exchange for monies.
I don't even know if anyone read this. It's been a rough few days. and I have split ends. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|03:47 pm] |
I like to deal with things "tomorrow"
I rely on this principle, of putting things off. It's always worked for me. I've never suffered any real consequences for my procrastinating. As far as school goes, I rarely get below on low A on anything. Money, and bills and things like that never are a reason to worry. If something is late I don't worry so much about a late fee. Or parking tickets doubling. I have the money, its usually the act of getting a stamp, envelope and everything in the same location to mail it.
I have papers to write and I should call my accountant and make the bed and empty the dishwasher.
However, I fully intend to do all those things tomorrow. I'm going to take a bath and a nap. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|11:30 am] |
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Darth Vader has prostate cancer :( |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|10:13 am] |
what is wrong with you?
Last week at work, I was by myself all morning. A woman came in, and it wasn't immediately apparent she wasn't really with it. I asked if there was anything I could help her with, and the way she said ""Nowww jush lookin" tipped me off I was in trouble.
Being a terrible human being, I had already made a mental note of her clogs, cankles, and a skirt without any tights or stockings. (it's still cold out!)
great. so she kinda turns and starts walking out, and I see that her underwear is slowly sliding down her legs. I mentally went through every possible senario.
a.) The underwear could possible get stuck at her cankles, and she'd make it out of the store.
b.) Hoewver, I'd feel awful if they got lost outside
c.) They could end up on the floor and she'd leave before I'd be able to say anything. I'd be stuck with them.
d.) Misty the Christian from Texas would find out and tell me it could have been a test from God I failed. I can't handle that pressure.
So, as cheerfully and normally as I can, I say "oopsie! Looks like you're losing something!" through my smiling teeth. She looks down and notices the situation and nods.
"Here, did you want to duck into our bathroom quick? The public bathrooms may not even be open"
I take her by the elbow and hustle her into the bathroom, praying she doesn't touch anything. When she comes out shes standing in the middle of our backroom and I walk her to the front door.
I wondered how she even got here. And this was later answered when her even crazier older sister came and I cannot even handle typing that story right now.
sometimes I hate my life. |
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vanity_overkill's journal